highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
