im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
