sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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