He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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