i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
