My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize