Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
