So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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