There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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