No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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