I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
