i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
