I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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