mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If I die, sorry about rent.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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