I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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