There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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