i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
