I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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