are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
