I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
