drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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