i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
