Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
