I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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