My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
