I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
