I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
