I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
