i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
