Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
