Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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