If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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