I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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