Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We had to coat check the pizza.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
