so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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