While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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