When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
