I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
