Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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