Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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