Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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