Just mADE A PArabola og urine
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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