We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
