It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
