If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
