dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
