she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
