i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
