I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize