When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
