i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
