Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
