Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
