God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
