I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize