Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
