i need an iv and a liver transplant
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
