I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
