I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
