dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
