My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize