how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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