East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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