U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
