So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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