Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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