someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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