Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
