I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
