i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
