The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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