um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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